Why is Spending Time at the Family Table Important for Building Strong Relationships?

I can remember that during Covid, all over the nation, due to shutdowns, eating out was no longer an option and parents were struggling to remember favorite recipes once abandoned because they realized that "family time" was back. TO be honest, we didn't really even have a choice.

Some Surprising Trends Have Emerged Since Covid

60 years ago, the average dinner time was 90 minutes. As of March 2019, it was less than 12 minutes. Even though trends are now averaging longer than they were a year ago we may once again be in danger of forgetting another lesson this pandemic can teach us.

Family dinner not only holds value as time well spent connecting, but many teens are, in fact: "Roughly six in 10 (62%) parents with children under 18 say they would like to have family dinners “much more often” or “somewhat more often.” Just under half (46%) of Americans living in a household with at least one other person say the same." 1

"We're gathering for the purpose of sustenance, for the purpose of an almost literal communion," he says. "If you do that regularly enough, you'll see a change in your relationship to both the cooking and the people — and perhaps see a change in yourself and how you regard the world." #SamSifton

"Why" It Matters That You're Teen Wants

to Share A Family Meal

One of the things that we have enjoyed in the Elliott home for many years, since our kids were very young, old enough to sit in a chair rather than a high seat, is the family dinner. Even with our busy lifestyle and ministry invading several evenings a week we have always tried to keep this value a priority. Early on in ministry we discovered that families we knew who shared the table for at least 3 or 4 meals per week seemed to be healthier and happier mentally.

Were you aware that teenagers who regularly eat dinner with their families are much less likely to engage in illegal drug and alcohol abuse and are far more likely to get better grades. 1

New research published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, shows that the more frequent these dinners, the better the adolescents fare emotionally. "The effect doesn't plateau after three or four dinners a week," says co-author Frank Elgar, an associate professor of psychiatry at McGill University in Montréal. "The more dinners a week the better."

Many teens today are nostalgic enough with the desire of record players, 80's fashion trends, and culture that you can make family dinner something that is fun and memorable. Many kids who are nostalgic have a longing for simpler times of when they were a kid and times were much easier and responsibility was much lighter.

Though teens may not be articulate enough to sense these changes, the family dinner can be representative of these much simpler times and even open the door to deeper connections.

"Rituals are very important to everyone — especially children, they help provide security and structure and they give a sense of belonging." says Sharon Fruh, an associate professor of nursing at the University of South Alabama in Mobile, who co-authored a 2011 study about family dinner research in The Journal for Nurse Practitioners.

"What researchers are encouraging is turn off all the electronics and not just the television," she says. "There have been quite a few studies that (found) the more distractions, the less beneficial the communication around the table."

We will talk later about how to make the dinner table a place of peace in which your teens will begin to long for, but for now, understand that even the predictable nature of a planned family meal is part of the allure in a world in which so much is changing and shifting. We can make the family meal a place in which our kids know they can depend.

So Now What?

1. Make the table safe. What? Yup, in our home early on, we established a rule: No bringing up potentially confrontational conversations. The proverbial "since I have you here, let's talk about how messy that room is, let's talk about that Chemistry grade" kind of thing. Don't do it. They will grow to dread meals together and that's not what you want. Keep it positive and uplifting.

2. Make it a NO TECH table. That includes you, mom and dad. But you don't know HOW IMPORTANT...no, I probably don't for sure. The problem is, your teen will sense how much MORE important "that" is. We despised the do as I say, not as I do parenting, so avoid that 12-15 minute meal period. Seriously. If you HAVE to answer the phone, the text, explain what's going on and APOLOGIZE, but make it the exception in the rare moments. If we have friends/co-workers who can't wait 15 minutes until dinner is over, we may need to also have a blog about co-dependance. 😉

3. Listen. No really....learn to listen. Nothing will sabotage your family time, meal time, drive time more than a parent who is disengaged. "But my kid has their AirPods in and..." Ok, fair point, but we ARE the adult. Ask, don't demand that they remove them and explain that you'd like just a few minutes to chat with them and NO it's not serious. It may be that you've already communicated disengagement over the years and it will take time to create new rhythms of communication. Your teen needs to know that when things REALLY hit the fan, that you will be there. In the moment of crisis they will gravitate towards what they've always done and if it means that they've tuned you out, this is more likely to continue even in their worst moments.

One way to bridge the gap is to let them choose (family friendly) tunes in the car. It may not be your jam, but it's a great way to start. If you notice them singing along ask them: that seems to be a fun song, what is it that you like about it? It seems so small, but it works.

4. Make it fun. There are a bunch of conversation starters that you can access and MOST are free! Just do a quick Google search of conversation starters. Don't make it long and drawn out and make sure EVERYONE is heard. Not just the chatty Carl that loves to share.

Open up the conversation to your teens. Ask them what they think and don't be afraid to talk them through the changes either.

Change is hard for ANY kid, but if anyone of your kids is on the spectrum or just very busy, changes to their may be a difficult or present barriers that they may not perceive can be overcome, that is where discussing it in advance can potentially alleviate some of that.