This Parenting Trend Is Quietly Destroying Teen Faith—And No One’s Talking About It”

“Is emotional appeasement quietly undermining your teen’s faith? Discover the hidden dangers of permissive parenting and how to protect your child’s spiritual growth.”

Growing up, my parents cared deeply. There was no doubt in my mind. But there was ALSO no doubt in my mind that if I chose to be disrespectful that I might end up with all my stuff on the font lawn or the recipient of a physical reminder, I.e.  “spare the rod spoil the child” style. There was a fear/respect balance that we knew.

If you remember, in the '80s and early '90s, parenting looked a lot different. Think Fresh Prince of Bel-Air—I’m talking about Will, fresh out of West Philadelphia, being sent to live with his rich relatives in Bel-Air, where everything was a bit exaggerated and a lot more carefree. You could almost say it was the era of “cool” parenting—looser rules, less oversight, and more room for kids to find their own way. We didn’t have the constant pressure to over-schedule or over-analyze every choice we made.

And yet, even with the laid-back vibes of The Fresh Prince, there was still an underlying discipline and direction in the parenting. Our parents didn’t feel the need to be our best friends; they were more like guides, giving us room to make mistakes but also drawing boundaries that we understood, even if we didn’t always like them. That balance is something I now see missing in so many of today’s homes—especially when it comes to faith.

The Shift Toward “Buddy Parenting”

I've been thinking about this for the past 15 months or so as I have considered what might be best in helping the families that we are currently working with.

I've noticed that somewhere along the way, there has been a shift that has happened in parenting. Instead of embracing our God-given role as guides and protectors, many of us began to fear being too forceful. We worried about ‘pushing’ too hard, about our kids resenting us, and about making church feel like an obligation. But is that fear based on biblical wisdom, or is it rooted in a cultural shift toward parenting as friendship rather than discipleship?

Psychological research has shown that one of the most harmful parenting styles is permissive parenting (also called "laissez-faire" parenting). It’s a well-meaning but misguided approach where parents, in an effort to be supportive and non-controlling, fail to set firm boundaries. Studies from Group Dynamics reveal that children raised with few rules and little discipline often struggle with self-control, decision-making, and responsibility. They lack the necessary structure to develop resilience and accountability.

If we recognize this in general parenting, why would we assume faith is any different? Scripture never calls us to be passive in training our children. In fact, biblical parenting is deeply intentional, even when it’s uncomfortable. Proverbs 22:6 reminds us, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” And Deuteronomy 6:6-7 makes it clear that spiritual training isn’t meant to be occasional or optional:

“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deut. 6:6-7

We guide our kids because they need direction. Just as permissive parenting leaves children ill-equipped to navigate life’s challenges, a passive approach to faith leaves them spiritually vulnerable.

Not Every Emotion Is Virtuous

There’s an underlying assumption in today’s culture that if a child resists something, their feelings should dictate our response. But as believers, we recognize that not all feelings are trustworthy. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

That’s why being firm in guiding our children isn’t about being authoritarian or extremely passive —it’s about balancing discipline with love. Research from the Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy warns that an overly rigid, authoritarian approach—where rules are enforced with little explanation or warmth—can lead to emotional distance and fear-driven obedience rather than genuine faith. That’s not the goal either. Our goal is discipleship, not dictatorship.

If anything, uninvolved parenting is the greatest danger. Studies in the Journal of Child and Family Studies show that children who grow up without engaged, present parents often feel isolated and struggle to form strong emotional bonds. Spiritually speaking, an uninvolved approach—where parents assume their child will “figure it out on their own”—leaves them vulnerable to outside influences that don’t have their best interests at heart.

In the American culture of today, it sometimes feels like we’ve shifted towards a kind of unspoken "worship" of our kids. We pour so much energy into their desires—be it sports, extracurricular activities, or social events. It’s as if we’ve created a culture where the happiness and success of our children have become the ultimate goal. We bend over backward to ensure their schedules are packed with opportunities, but often miss the bigger picture: helping them grow spiritually.

Back in the '80s and '90s, there was an understanding that life wasn’t about simply giving our kids everything they wanted, but about providing them with a foundation of discipline and guidance. There was a sense that certain things—faith, character, responsibility—needed to be cultivated with intention. In today's culture, however, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. We're hyper-focused on making sure our kids have the best education, the most impressive resumes, and the most exciting experiences. But in the middle of all this, faith often gets relegated to the background, as if it’s something they'll "figure out" later, on their own.

Here’s the thing: We are called to actively disciple our kids. It's not enough to just hope they’ll "stumble" upon faith when they get older. If we recognize the need to guide them in areas like school, relationships, and responsibilities, then how much more should we be involved in their walk with God? We also allow our spiritual hang up s about our OWN PAST to keep us from being fully engaged.

Faith requires intentional effort. It requires teaching, leading by example, and most importantly, making sure that their spiritual lives are as important as their achievements in school or sports.

Too often, we leave our children to their own devices when it comes to their faith, assuming that when they grow older, they’ll somehow figure it out. But as parents, we are their first and best example. And that means actively investing in their relationship with God, guiding them through Scripture, modeling prayer, and walking beside them in their struggles and triumphs. Faith isn’t just another checkbox on the parenting to-do list—it’s the foundation upon which everything else should be built.

The Fear of Missing Out vs. The Cost of Waiting

Many teens hesitate to grow in faith because they’re afraid—afraid of missing out, afraid of standing out, afraid of what faith might cost them socially. But what they don’t realize is that resisting spiritual growth doesn’t leave them in a neutral position. It actually weakens their faith. We as parents ahve to make sure that we aren't unintentinoally supporting those viewpoints through our own actions and indecisions.

Teenagers, by nature, struggle with long-term thinking. It’s one of the reasons they need parents to guide them. If we, as parents, fail to be involved, especially in ares of their faith, studies show that children will seek structure elsewhere—often in ways that are harmful. Research from Cureus found that children from uninvolved households were more prone to risky behaviors, anxiety, and even depression. The same principle applies spiritually—when there’s no intentional guidance, the result is often confusion, detachment, or a faith that fades under pressure.

Parenting with Confidence, Not Fear

Parenting isn’t easy. But when it comes to guiding our kids in faith, let’s have the courage to be intentional. Let’s treat their spiritual growth with the same care we give their physical, emotional, and mental health. After all, their faith is worth it.

One day, they may not remember the Sunday mornings they resisted. But they will remember the foundation you gave them.

What they will remember that you prioritized their walk with God over their momentary emotions. And when life gets hard, they’ll have something firm to stand on. Remember, “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

So don’t parent from fear. Parent from faith, trusting that you’re planting seeds that will bear fruit for a lifetime.