“The Lie That’s Burning Out Our Kids (And How We’re Letting It Happen)”

"I absolutely cannot believe this! I was not expecting for this to happen!"

Sound familiar?

These words are part of the everyday script of our culture. They’re the clickbait, the commentary, and the constant noise we’re fed. And yes, I realize I’m now guilty of using them too.

As Kristin and I look over the landscape of youth ministry across the last three decades, one thing has become painfully obvious: our ability to do things just for fun is being suffocated by a culture obsessed with performance.

You can’t just exercise to feel better. You have to look good while doing it. Which means you can’t even go to the gym until you feel like you can look good at the gym. Most of us know this is nonsense. But we ignore the fact that there’s an entire yoga pants, designer drinkware, supplement, and the "CrossFit industrial complex" betting that we’ll buy into these lies hook, line, and sinker.

Let me show you what I mean.

"If you don’t sign your kid up for the right club, sport, or coach, they’ll never make varsity. If they don’t make varsity, they won’t get noticed. If they don’t get noticed, they won’t get into their dream school. If they don’t get into their dream school, then you have failed them as a parent."

That’s the lie. And it's absolutely everywhere.

Why do we have six or seven days of practices during the summer now? Are kids today worse at sports than we were? Is it that their work ethic is weaker? Or could it be that we’ve created a system that demands more and more, faster and faster, earlier and earlier?

In everyday conversations with teens, I hear words like exhausted, tired, overwhelmed, anxious—not just during the school year, but now well into the summer months too. What’s behind this? Fear.

Fear of falling behind.

Fear of not measuring up.

Fear of not being good enough.

And this fear is wrapped up in perfectionism. Whether it’s grades, sports, extracurriculars, or social media, the pressure to perform is relentless. It’s no longer about growth or joy or learning—it’s about survival in a world that rewards curated success.

Not that long ago, the world was simpler. Kids played outside, tried new things, made mistakes, and grew through trial and error. But now? Every choice feels high-stakes. Every failure is a threat. The rise of social media and hyper-competitive everything has made childhood more about resume-building than relationship-building.

We’re hearing it loud and clear from coaches: “If you don’t come to every conditioning, you’re not part of this team.” And the problem is—there are very few teenagers who are emotionally and spiritually mature enough to recognize just how manipulative and unhealthy this mindset is.

And if we’re honest, we adults sometimes perpetuate it. We allow it. We encourage it—even when it’s driving our kids into burnout.

I’ve never seen so many teenagers having surgeries that used to only be common in middle-aged adults. And I can’t help but think it’s because we’re driving them past the edge of what they’re physically and emotionally built to handle.

We often unintentionally contribute to it by setting high expectations and constantly comparing our children to others. It’s understandable; parents want the best for their kids. But in this quest for excellence, we’ve forgotten the importance of balance and the value of simply enjoying the journey. Whether it’s sports, grades, or any other “activity” we are teaching them that their value lies in ACHIEVING. The data is there to back it up. Check out: The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt. Wow.

So, where do we go from here? How do we help our youth reclaim their joy and find a healthier balance? It starts with changing our mindset. Encourage kids to pursue activities because they genuinely enjoy them, not just because they think it will look good on a college application.

Also, focus on building resilience and coping skills. Teach kids that it’s okay to fail and that setbacks are a natural part of life. Instead of shielding them from every possible failure, let’s prepare them to face challenges head-on and learn from their experiences.

As adults, we must lead by example. Show our youth that it’s okay to take a break, to have fun, and to pursue passions without the pressure to be perfect. By fostering an environment where kids feel supported and valued for who they are, not just for what they achieve, we can help them navigate this high-pressure world with confidence and resilience. Whe is the last time your student did some “just for fun” without the pressure to achieve?

From a spiritual perspective, it’s important to remind our youth that their worth is not determined by their achievements but by their identity in Christ. As it says in Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” God’s love for us is unconditional, and He values us for who we are, not what we do.

Philippians 4:6-7 offers comfort and guidance in the face of anxiety:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:6-7

By turning to prayer and seeking God’s peace, our youth can find solace amidst the pressures they face.

Moreover, Matthew 11:28-30 reminds us of Jesus’ invitation to find rest in Him: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Encouraging our students to rely on God’s strength and to seek His rest can help alleviate the overwhelming pressures of life and to minimize the opportunity for anxiety. We should never try to motivate out of fear, but love and purpose.

Ultimately, our goal should be to create a culture where the well-being of our kids takes precedence over the relentless pursuit of perfection. By grounding them in the truths of God’s Word and helping them develop a personal relationship with Christ, we can ensure that they grow into happy, healthy, and well-rounded individuals, secure in their identity as children of God.

Now What?!

1. Acknowledge the Issue: Highlight the societal and cultural pressures in your family and with your kids and best practices for celebrating and following Sabbath/rest.

2. Identify Contributing Factors: Discuss the role of social media in setting unrealistic standards. Examine how parental expectations and comparisons add to the pressure. How are we as parents contributing to excessive pressures?

3. Change Mindsets: Promote the importance of intrinsic motivation over extrinsic rewards. Encourage activities for enjoyment and personal growth, not just for college applications. You may even determine that it is YOUR pursuit more than something your kiddo wants to do but they are afraid of disappointing you. You may be surprised how many times Kristin and I have had THAT conversation. Maybe the mindset that needs to change is OURS.

6. Lead by Example: Show the importance of taking breaks, having fun, and pursuing passions without the need for perfection. Demonstrate a balanced lifestyle as adults to guide your student.

7. Spiritual Guidance: Remind youth of their worth in Christ, emphasizing intrinsic value over achievements. Use scripture to offer comfort and guidance, such as Psalm 139:14, Philippians 4:6-7, and Matthew 11:28-30. But don’t just quote scripture, live it out in your life as well. Kids these days are adept at spotting a fake!

8. Create a Supportive Environment: Foster an environment where your kids feel valued for who they are, not just for their achievements. Encourage open discussions about mental health and the pressures they face. This is a HUGE ONE. At the end of the day, they won’t come to you if their success is more important than their transparency and their ability to “be real” with you.

9. Focus on Well-being: Prioritize the well-being of youth over the pursuit of perfection. Promote a culture where balance, rest, and personal growth are key. Having a consistent quiet time is a part of this.

10. Encourage Personal Relationships with Christ: Ground youth in the truths of God’s Word. Help them develop a personal relationship with Christ to navigate pressures confidently and securely. Move beyond just saying a prayer into what it means to FOLLOW JESUS and to live our lives modeling His values and lifestyle.