“I Thought About Life After Kids and Didn’t Recognize My Marriage”

We’ve been involved in youth ministry for nearly three decades. It’s hard to believe how much life has shifted since 1996. Back then, Hanson’s MMMBop was blaring from car stereos, we were crushing on Topanga from Boy Meets World, and date nights meant an actual trip out—no kids, no screens, no interruptions. Fast forward to today, and it’s all Swifties, school schedules, and the never-ending ding of notifications.

Kristin and I have seen just how easy it is to pour every ounce of ourselves into parenting—only to look up one day and realize we’ve been running on empty in our marriage. Somewhere between soccer practice and bedtime routines, we stopped seeing each other as partners and started functioning more like co-managers. And if we’re not careful, that slow drift becomes a serious disconnect.

I can remember a time when our kids were still small that Kristin and I had slowly become more like friendly roommates than husband and wife. Our connection had faded. Conversations mostly revolved around logistics. When we did get time away from the kids, it was just… hollow talk about jobs or the latest drama with our schedules.

Somewhere in the process of raising kids and doing life, we’d stopped dating each other. And without even noticing, the friendship and fun that used to come so easily had nearly disappeared.

Then it happened.

I packed up everything I personally owned into my two-door car, left a note on the counter, and left. In it, I said words I never thought I’d say: “I’m done.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t love Kristin. It was that I couldn’t see us anymore beneath the layers of stress, busyness, and unspoken hurt.

That’s what makes this so dangerous—how easy it is to wake up one day, look across the room, and realize you’ve built a life together but forgotten how to actually do life together. That’s why the words of one parent hit me so hard when I heard them recently:

“I thought about life after kids and didn’t recognize my marriage.”

It’s a sobering realization, but for many couples, it’s also the wake-up call they didn’t know they needed.

Kristin and I didn’t fix our marriage overnight. But we chose to fight for it. We sought counseling. We had long, awkward, honest conversations. And we began carving out time each week—not just to talk logistics, but to rediscover the joy of being usagain.

We started dating again. On purpose. Every Friday.

#FridayDateDay

Kristin and I now call it “Friday Date Day.” It’s sacred on our calendar. It’s a chance to connect, dream, laugh, and just be two people who like each other again. We put the phones down. We talk. We flirt. We remember why we chose each other in the first place.

Here’s the thing: you can’t expect your marriage to thrive if you’re not tending to it. You can’t hope to be deeply connected after the kids leave if you haven’t been investing in that connection while they’re still home.

Why does dating your spouse matter?

Because your marriage is more than a shared address and a list of responsibilities. When you carve out intentional time together, you’re reminding each other that you’re not just co-parents or co-managers of the chaos—you’re still husband and wife.

Dating reintroduces laughter, eye contact, and inside jokes. It creates sacred space where emotional connection and physical intimacy can be rekindled. In a world that often reduces marriage to a transactional partnership, date nights shout, "We’re still choosing each other—on purpose."

And let’s be clear: this isn’t just good advice—it’s biblical.

Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”That’s not a passive love. That’s sacrificial, intentional, pursuing love. Jesus didn’t wait for the church to come to Him—He pursued her. That means we’re called not only to stay in love, but to actively love—to sacrifice time, effort, and comfort for the sake of connection.

When we prioritize our marriages through intentional time—like weekly dates—we’re also modeling something powerful for our kids. We’re showing them that love isn’t just a feeling that fades with time, it’s a choice you keep making. A healthy marriage gives your children emotional security, but even more, it gives them a front-row seat to what covenant love looks like in real life.

That’s a legacy worth investing in.

The Dangers of Hyper-Focusing on Our Kids

As parents, we naturally want the best for our children. We want to give them every advantage, protect them from mistakes, and guide them toward success. But what happens when we pour so much of our time, energy, and attention into our kids that we forget about ourselves and each other?

When our focus shifts almost entirely to our children, we run the risk of unintentionally elevating their importance to an unhealthy level. Over time, we might lose sight of our marriage and, in the process, give our kids the impression that they’re the center of our world.

The problem isn’t just about neglecting our spouse—it’s about the message we send to our children. When we put all our emotional energy into them, they can begin to believe that everything revolves around them. And that kind of attention, without balance, can quietly build entitlement, anxiety, or the inability to form healthy boundaries in relationships later in life.

So, how do we fix this?

The answer is simple—but not easy. We need to bring our families back into biblical balance.

According to God’s design, our marriage is the foundation of our home—not our children. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. That oneness is sacred, and it must be protected. Children are a blessing (Psalm 127:3), but they are not meant to replace the covenant bond between husband and wife.

When we place our marriage in its proper place—under Christ but above every other earthly relationship—we honor God, strengthen our families, and model a healthy rhythm of love, sacrifice, and priority. That’s why dating your spouse regularly isn’t just romantic—it’s redemptive. It’s a way of choosing, again and again, the person God gave you to walk through life with.

When Kristin and I began protecting our Friday Date Day, we weren’t just reconnecting—we were repenting. We were saying to each other and to our kids, “This relationship matters.” And our children noticed. They saw us laugh again, pray together, enjoy each other’s company, and live out what it means to pursue love like Christ pursues His Church (Ephesians 5:25). We didn’t just tell them to value marriage—we showed them what it looks like when two people fight for it.

Final Encouragement

Marriage takes work. But it also takes attention—and love that isn't just about managing a house or keeping kids fed. It’s about us—about reconnecting, about remembering why we fell in love in the first place.

If you’re at a crossroads in your relationship, like I was, or if you’re feeling the weight of balancing family life, it’s okay to admit that things aren’t perfect. But don’t wait for a crisis to hit. Start dating your spouse. Even if it’s just for a quick coffee on a Friday morning or a walk after dinner. Rebuild that bond—because when you prioritize your marriage, you’re not just saving your relationship.

You’re teaching your kids the best lesson they’ll ever learn.

Practical Resources for Dating Your Spouse and Setting Boundaries

1. Implement the 2-2-2 Rule

Therapists recommend the 2-2-2 rule to help couples maintain connection: go on a date on a MINIMUM of every two weeks, spend a weekend away every two months, and take a week-long vacation together every two years. This approach encourages intentionality and effort in nurturing the relationship. Verywell Mind

2. Establish Ground Rules to Protect Your Relationship

Setting clear boundaries can help couples balance work and personal life. Examples include:

• Weekly date nights

• No phones at the dinner table

• Not leaving the house without saying "I love you"

• Designating uninterrupted quality time dailyEarly To Rise

These practices foster deeper connection and ensure that the relationship remains a priority. Verywell Mind

3. Prioritize Quality Time Amidst Busy Schedules

Even with demanding work commitments, couples can maintain their bond by:

• Scheduling regular date nights

• Practicing active listening

• Setting boundaries like no phones during meals

• Dreaming and planning togetherPsych Central+1New York Post+1Executive Matchmakers

These strategies help in creating meaningful interactions and sustaining the relationship. Psych Central

4. Avoid Common Pitfalls in Marriage

Divorce attorney Padideh Jafari highlights mistakes that can strain marriages, such as:New York Post+1Business Insider+1

• Prioritizing work or children over the relationship

• Allowing social media to interfere

• Neglecting to truly understand each otherNew York Post

Being aware of these pitfalls can help couples take proactive steps to strengthen their bond.

Other Resources:

Development and Validation of the Praise, Indulgence, and Status Parenting Scale: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7075438/

The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24434235/

Overpraising May Reduce Self-Esteem in Children: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201512/overpraising-may-reduce-self-esteem-in-children

Study: inflated praise is damaging for children: https://www.wired.com/story/inflated-praise/?utm_source=chatgpt.com