Surviving the Tween Years: A Parent’s Guide to Modern Middle School Challenges

What we do during these years will shape them way more than we think and can lead them to becoming a healthier adult

Middle school. You probably remember it, right? You could go to Orange Julius and grab a drink before heading to Record Town or Camelot music, where “My Prerogative” or “Every Rose Has its Thorn” by Poison would be blaring through the stores, on tinny speakers beckoning teens and preteens through it’s doors. For most of us, parents were lingering nearby or off in other parts of the mall, oblivious to our whereabouts until the predetermined time to “meet back at the food court.”

We were discovering “who we are” and “who we WANTED to be.” 

It was a time of discovery. For many of us, mouth full of metal (aka train tracks, brace face) and slurry speech occurred during these middle school years making it even more difficult to NOT stand out and to “fit in” with who we perceived to be the cool kids. Try saying this out loud just for fun: That shnot sho funny, thatsh how my shister shoundsh.”

If memorizing the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” didn’t kickstart your path to fitting in, then you could recount the latest episode of Friends or Seinfeld. 

Things just aren't that easy anymore for today’s tweens. Even though flannel, mom jeans, and crop tops are back in style, that’s about the ONLY thing we can relate to when it comes to our teens entering this most difficult stage of life. 

"So how DO we relate to them? "

Glad you asked, one of the greatest gifts you can give to your kids, or grandkids is TIME. Yup. Just be there. At the time they are ready, even though it may not even be that conducive to YOUR schedule or convenient to an agenda. Be there. With very little agenda other than to listen and try hard not to respond with things like: ARE YOU. KIDDING ME?! Or THAT’S SO STUPID! Or WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

While these kinds of statements may be warranted, they are not helpful in building bridges. Bridges? We want to build bridges, not walls. In the event that your child invites you to participate (if only by listening) in their life, you don’t want to make them immediately regret it. Don’t like what they are saying? Don’t like what they DID…ask questions:

“ Hmmm. Jumping off of a bridge sounds scary. Did you regret doing that?”

“Wow, do a lot of your friends vape? How do you fight the pressure to give in?”

“Oof, a D on your exam? What do you think might help next time?”

“Well, that class is stupid, I don’t even need Chemistry…so I don’t plan on studying.”

“How do you think that might affect your being able to graduate on time?”

The OTHER way that we can connect with our teens is by sharing our own failures and struggles during our teenage years. I would start out by asking: do you want to hear what happened to me?” This is an invitation to listen instead of them immediately assuming that we are about to lecture them..AGAIN. As I have mentioned before, teens crave authenticity, and sharing your story encourages them that you don't expect them to nail it every time.

We assume they know we aren't perfect, but you'd be surprised that the perception of perfection will keep them from wanting to disappoint you. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, close parental relationships and support during adolescence significantly reduce the risk of poor mental health and increase resilience in young people, even through high school and beyond. (1.)

“Why does this happen and where does this struggle come from?”

First of all, there is the onset of early adolescent change (around ages 9-13) when they start detaching and differentiating from their parents to start developing more independence and individuality. Growing up requires giving up, and so some cherished old childish attachments to self and family must be let go. We sometimes even push back on this, fearing they are “growing up too quickly,” but not only is it normal, it’s very healthy. 

Remember when our 2nd grader loved having us show up at school? For the 6th-grader, they can find this public parental presence painfully embarrassing: “Mom, Dad! What are you doing here?” It’s a vulnerable time, the young person knowing that they can’t go back home again to that simpler, sheltered, more secure period of early life. Adolescence begins with insecurity from loss.

Secondly, there is a need amongst many teens to form a social family outside of the home comprised of friends who are all going through similar phases of growth and change. They are not only looking to belong, they are looking to feel “normal” among those who don’t. But peer group membership does not come free of charge: To belong one has to conform.

The unstated but well-understood requirements are, “To be one of us, you have to be like us, believe like us, behave like us, go along with us, look like us, like us best, and not do better than us.” A survey from the American Psychological Association found that 59% of middle schoolers report feeling pressure to "fit in" with their peer group, even if it means acting against their own values. (2.)

Third, Usually during the early middle-school years, puberty begins as hormones drive growth to sexual maturity, altering physical appearance in ways that kids have absolutely no control over. This unpredictability can make middle school an especially tough time, as tweens find themselves waiting to see how their bodies will "turn out." For some, these changes seem to come all at once; for others, the shift can feel delayed, and they may feel out of sync with their friends. Teens often become more self-conscious about their appearance and begin developing a heightened sense of body awareness.

This might mean that they start to show more care about how they look when going out, and they might take time to perfect every detail before leaving the house. They may even get anxious over the clothes they wear, the hairstyle they choose, and the accessories they sport. For girls, the added complexity of makeup and skincare can quickly become a focus, with increasing time devoted to creating a "look" that will fit in with their peers.

At home, we notice that our teens now need more privacy and may even become defensive if they feel their space is being encroached upon. It’s very common for parents to feel bewildered when their formerly open, chatty child suddenly becomes reserved and sensitive about their bedroom, appearance, or personal space. We may wonder where the bubbly child went and, in their genuine desire to connect, might comment or ask questions about their appearance, only to be met with irritation or shutdown.

When a parent says, "You don’t need so much time in front of the mirror," or even an innocent comment like, “That’s an interesting shirt,” kids can easily interpret these statements as criticisms, fueling insecurity or frustration. If you don’t like something about their appearance or behavior, remember there are better ways to handle it than turning it into a tug-of-war for control.

Together, these changes—hormones, body image, and sensitivity—can create a level of insecurity that can wreak havoc in peer relationships, especially in the social dynamics of middle school. It's a challenging environment as it is, with social "rules" in place that define what’s cool or what’s not, and where everyone is subconsciously (or consciously) measuring themselves against others. When you factor in our difficulty letting go and accepting that they’re entering a new stage of life, things can get a lot trickier. Our attempts to hold on too tightly or dictate their choices can cause conflict, and they might withdraw even further.

To support them, try letting go of the desire to control and instead offer a place of refuge. Encourage them to find the qualities in themselves that aren’t dependent on appearance and to develop those things. Let them know that it’s okay to be themselves, even if they look different, sound different, or have different interests than their peers. This type of parental support can be pivotal, especially in middle school, when fitting in seems to mean everything. You can check out our BLOG on that. (https://www.shbcyouth.org/post/how-to-keep-your-teen-from-fighting-with-you)

How can we support and

communicate effectively with our teens?

1. Help THEM to see more clearly who they are becoming

Their bodies are growing and changing, almost daily. For some students, this gives them a boost to their ego, as that skinny boy that started in the 6th grade turns into an 8th grader growing a wispy mustache and gaining muscle. 

For boys and girls alike, these changes can stir various emotions. As they start to notice the opposite sex, it can be a moment of excitement and also confusion. This is an excellent opportunity to guide them in establishing a commitment to purity. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 states, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor.” Teaching them to honor their bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) empowers them to make choices that align with their faith.

For those struggling with body image issues—like feeling unhappy with their appearance due to acne or weight gain—it's important to provide reassurance and biblical truth. Psalm 139:13-14 states, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” This affirmation helps them understand that their physical form is part of God’s unique design, deserving of respect and love.

This is the time to remind students who they are as a person is much more than just skin deep. Focus on building good character. Encouraging your teens to embrace their identity in Christ while navigating the complexities of adolescence will not only help them develop confidence but also a strong sense of self rooted in faith.

2. When they feel accepted, rejected, or alone.

Entering a room filled with peers can be an anxiety-inducing experience for middle schoolers, especially when they perceive their acceptance hinges on their social status. This struggle for acceptance is common during this developmental stage, where self-worth is often intertwined with peer relationships. It’s essential to emphasize that while popularity might seem important to them, true friendship and acceptance can be found in deeper, more meaningful connections.

The Bible provides wisdom about relationships and belonging. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.” This scripture highlights the significance of close friendships—those who walk alongside us can provide support during challenging times. Encouraging your teen to cultivate a few meaningful relationships, rather than striving for popularity, aligns with this biblical principle.

It can be devastating for teens when they feel rejected or overlooked, as social acceptance is critical to their development. Galatians 6:2 teaches us, “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Encourage your teens to support each other during difficult moments and to recognize the value of being there for their friends. Building these social skills will not only help them navigate their current environment but also set the groundwork for healthy relationships in high school and beyond. Youth group is a great place to find this environment for your teen.

We must always direct them toward the ultimate source of love—God. Romans 8:38-39 assures us of God’s unchanging love: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” By reminding them of this unwavering love, you help fill the void they may be feeling from social interactions.

Encourage them to view themselves through the lens of God’s love and acceptance rather than the fleeting opinions of their peers. By fostering an environment where your teens understand the value of genuine relationships, as well as their worth in God’s eyes, you can help them navigate the challenges of acceptance, rejection, and loneliness with resilience and hope.

3. Remind them “You Have Purpose”

Our middle school students are not mini-adults, nor are they children. It’s awkward in between stages that deserve our attention and encouragement. We can even capitalize on that trust they may still give us to speak strength and truth into their lives. It’s worth the time and effort. God can use your words and voice to make a huge impact in students’ lives. It’s not easy, and it often takes time, but if we are willing, they will be better equipped to lead in high school. 

The Bible speaks to the importance of purpose and identity. (Psalm 139) This promise is not just for adults but for every individual, including middle school students who may feel lost or uncertain about their path. Encouraging them to trust that God has a unique purpose for their lives can provide them with the assurance they need to face the future.

Take the time to help your kids to recognize their God-given strengths. 1 Peter 4:10 tells us, “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” By fostering an environment where they can explore their abilities and interests, you empower them to see their worth and potential. This awareness can alleviate some of the pressure they feel during this tumultuous time, reminding them that they are not alone in making decisions about their future.

Encourage your students to embrace their individuality and trust in God's timing as they discover their identities. Proverbs 3:5-6 advises us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Remind them that it is okay not to have all the answers right now; they can rely on God to guide them through the uncertainties of adolescence.

So there you have it—your middle schooler is navigating a wild ride of braces, hormones, and social dilemmas that can make you feel like you're trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. Remember, while they’re working on their “cool kid” persona, they also need to know that they can come home to the best version of themselves—an authentic version that’s still figuring things out, just like you did (and probably still are)!

Let’s be honest: nobody truly gets through middle school unscathed. Just think of it as your teen's training ground for adulthood, where the only thing more awkward than that middle school dance is…well, your dad’s dance moves at the next family wedding! But seriously, your presence, support, and shared stories of your own middle school misadventures can be the best guides they could ask for.

So, let’s grab our metaphorical fanny packs and venture into this journey together! After all, it’s not just about surviving middle school; it’s about thriving, laughing, and making it through together—one awkward encounter at a time. Just remember, when they roll their eyes at your stories of life before smartphones, they might actually be listening... or at least pretending to!

Keep building those bridges, because the more you connect with them now, the more they’ll come back for the wisdom (and perhaps some cringeworthy dance moves) later on. Happy parenting, and may your middle school years be filled with laughter, grace, and plenty of cringe-worthy moments to share at family gatherings for years to come!

-Pastor Mark

SUPPORT Data:

1. Research shows that adolescents with strong parental support are 52% less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety symptoms and are more likely to report high self-esteem as adults (source: AAP, 2019).

2. Studies indicate that peer influence peaks around ages 12-14, when the need for acceptance is especially high, often leading kids to make decisions to maintain social acceptance that they wouldn't otherwise make (source: APA, 2020).

Other Statistics:

• Mental Health: According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), around 20% of adolescents aged 13-18 experience a mental health disorder at some point in their lives. This statistic highlights the prevalence of mental health issues among teens.

• Social Media Usage: A Pew Research Center study found that 95% of teens have access to a smartphone, and 45% say they are online almost constantly. This can lead to issues such as cyberbullying, anxiety, and depression.

• Academic Pressure: A survey by the American Psychological Association revealed that more than 50% of teensreported feeling overwhelmed by their school workload, with 31% saying they feel extreme stress. This emphasizes the high-pressure environment many teens navigate.

• Substance Use: The Monitoring the Future survey indicates that about 23% of high school seniors reported using marijuana in the past month, and 8% reported daily use. These statistics can help parents understand the prevalence of substance use among their children.

• Peer Influence: Research shows that 75% of adolescents say peer pressure is a major factor in their decisions, particularly concerning risky behaviors. This statistic can encourage parents to talk about friendships and peer relationships with their teens.

• Sleep Deprivation: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that only 15% of high school students get the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep on school nights. Lack of sleep can significantly affect teens' mental and physical health.

• Emotional Well-being: A survey by YouthTruth found that 60% of students reported feeling more stressed than they did the previous year, with many citing academic pressure and social issues as contributing factors.