The "Hack" Every Parent Needs to Know for Raising Teens

Engaging teens from a faith-based perspective can be both challenging and rewarding. Today’s teens face unique pressures and struggles, and as parents or mentors, it’s essential to understand these challenges and approach them with grace, wisdom, and empathy. Here’s a guide to help you connect with and support your teens in their faith journey.

Understanding Their Fears

Did you know that one of the biggest fears teens have is disappointing their parents. Research shows that 53% of 12- to 17-year-olds are "very" or "extremely" concerned about disappointing their parents, with only 3% not concerned at all. (According to Kailyn Savage of Freedom 4/24) This fear stems from a deep desire to be loved and accepted by those they look up to most. When teens feel that they’ve fallen short of expectations, they may experience anxiety, fear of rejection, and a reluctance to open up.

Teens fear that making mistakes will distort their parents' image of them, leading to feelings of inadequacy. They worry that they’ll be judged, punished, or, worst of all, rejected. As a parent or mentor, it’s crucial to reassure your teen that while their actions might have consequences, your love for them is unconditional. This is why it’s important to have frequent conversations and the ability to not grow weary of reminding them over and over of these truths.

So what leads to them not sharing their fears and feelings?  Many teens think, “My parents wouldn’t understand,” or “I’ll get in trouble,” and so they hide their struggles and mistakes. This is where transparency becomes vital. It also means that if you want your teen to be open with you, you must first be open with them. It also means being careful not to over react in ways that reinforce those wrong ideas.

Share Your Own Stories

Without crossing boundaries, share stories from your own youth—times when you made mistakes or faced tough choices. This doesn’t mean you need to divulge every detail, but letting your teen see that you were once in their shoes can break down barriers. It humanizes you and helps them feel less alone in their experiences. Without fail, teens often share with Kristin and I that they feel like their parents won't understand because they feel like their parents never messed up. In the end, your teen needs to know that they can come to you without fear of judgment or that we won't understand or even simply take the time to LISTEN.

Adopt the DFO Posture: Don’t Freak Out

When your teen comes to you with a problem, big or small, maintaining your composure is key to fostering trust and open communication. Teens are often more sensitive to reactions than we realize. If you respond with panic or anger, it can create a barrier, making them feel judged or misunderstood. This could lead them to withdraw, and they will think twice before coming to you with issues in the future.

Instead, strive to listen calmly, showing them that you’re a safe space where they can share their thoughts and concerns without fear of an explosive reaction. Take a moment to breathe and assess the situation before responding. By doing so, you’re not only addressing the problem more effectively but also modeling how to handle stressful situations with grace and wisdom. It's even okay for you to tell them "let's come back to this..."if you need to discuss the situation with a spouse or a friend, but be sure to give them a perspective timeline on when you're coming back to this so they aren't left in limbo. "Hey, can you give me a couple of hours to pray about how to best handle this?" Again, forgetting to come back to the issue may only to serve to reinforce a negative stigma that what they are going through doesnt matter.

Waiting is Wisdom

James 1:19 offers wise counsel in this area: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." By applying this biblical principle, you can better support your teen and guide them through their challenges. Proverbs 15:1 also reminds us, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Responding thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively, can de-escalate a potentially tense situation and keep the lines of communication open.

In addition to listening, it’s essential to validate your teen's feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. Acknowledging their emotions can help them feel understood and respected, making them more likely to listen to your advice. Offer guidance and support, but resist the urge to immediately solve the problem for them. Encourage them to think through possible solutions, which not only empowers them but also helps them develop problem-solving skills.

By maintaining your composure, you build a foundation of trust that can strengthen your relationship with your teen. This approach helps them see you as a reliable source of support, and over time, they’ll be more likely to turn to you when they face bigger challenges in life.

Navigating Friendships and Peer Pressure

Teens’ friendships are crucial to them, and as they grow, their peers often become more influential than their parents. It’s natural to worry if your teen is hanging out with the “wrong crowd,” but criticizing their friends can backfire. Instead of trying to control their friendships, focus on building a strong, trusting relationship with your teen. So, avoid bringing up contentious situations while their friends or even your friends are present. Many teens are already feeling insecure around peers and you don't want to add to this. Using their peers as a way to leverage respect or trying to embarass them infront of their friends may produce short term results, but in the long run it will cost you much more than you realize. In return, we ALSO asked our kids not to ask for permission in front of their friends, or ours, in an attempt to solicit a favorable response.

“So, what am I supposed to do?”

Rather than pointing out everything wrong with your teen’s friends, emphasize your love and acceptance for them. By showing that you’re on their side, you create an environment where they feel safe to talk about their friendships and seek your guidance.

Instead of simply telling your teen what to think about their friends, guide them towards self-reflection by asking thoughtful questions. For example, asking, "How do you feel when you’re around them?" can help your teen evaluate their relationships and consider how their friends influence their choices and behaviors. Proverbs 13:20 says, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." This verse highlights the importance of surrounding ourselves with those who will uplift and encourage us in our walk with God.

Your home should be a sanctuary where your teen feels safe, loved, and supported in their faith journey. Ephesians 6:4 reminds us, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." I’m a youth pastor, I get it, you’re assuming that our home was a relentless pursuit of ROASTING my kids and basting them in sarcasm….you may be surprised to find out that I learn very early on that kind of behavior doesn’t build character or a youth group. It only builds resentment and walls instead of the bridges that we long for.

Setting clear expectations and boundaries while also fostering an environment where faith is lived out in everyday life. So instead, look for ways to make faith a natural and enjoyable part of your teen’s routine. This could involve encouraging participation in youth groups, engaging in faith-based service projects together, or simply having open, honest discussions about faith and life challenges.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 encourages us, "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Doing discount that car ride in the morning. You also might be amazed how much stopping for a coffee treat on the way to school can boost morale. Or an after school stop for a Frosty can open up conversation. These feel good moments create an environment in which they may more safe to open up. What you choose to do in those moments and how you choose to react in these moments when they start talking….MATTERS. Along the way, you’ll find that integrating faith into daily life will help your teen see how their own personal beliefs can guide them through every aspect of their lives.

Conclusion: Embrace the Journey Together

Parenting a teenager isn’t easy, and there will be bumps along the way. But by understanding their fears, being transparent, creating a safe space, navigating friendships wisely, and building a supportive home environment, you can help your teen grow in their faith and navigate these challenging years with confidence.

Remember, your teen needs to know that they are loved and valued not just for what they do, but for who they are—a beloved child of God. As you walk this journey together, lean on your faith and trust that God will guide both you and your teen through every challenge.