"I Have Tourette’s—And I’m Still Called to Lead"

PastorMark
Feb 24, 2022
8 min read

Updated: Jun 4

Ever wondered why I sometimes make bird sounds or odd noises? Here's the story behind it—no shame, just honesty, and maybe even a laugh or two.

There are ALWAYS things that we don’t like about ourselves, that’s pretty normal. There are ALSO things that we don’t like about ourselves that we’d rather not have attention drawn to as well. (Did you know at one time I had over 10 warts on one hand? Don’t worry warts aren’t contagious and besides, I had one of them removed and the rest of them just disappeared.) Most of the time, these things can escape scrutiny and are only noticed if we have drawn attention to them. Other times our idiosyncrasies are on FULL DISPLAY and there is very little to no chance of keeping them hidden.

My name is Mark and I have Tourette’s (TS - Tourette’s Syndrome that’s nineteen less letters I have to type). There I said it. In our culture we are not defined by our abilities or disabilities but they sure do play a huge role in how WE SEE OURSELVES. A lady in our church asked me last year (not maliciously) "why in the world are you making those chicken noises?" I froze and every cell in my body ceased to move as I filled with the panic of "how to answer" this simple question.

There are people who have much more difficult experiences to live with, deal with so I am not looking for sympathy. I am writing this, simply to inform, to educate, and because a lot of people have “asked.” That’s not a judgement, it’s a recognition that people love me and just want to know more about what makes me “tic.” (Get it? Little Tourette’s pun that hopefully made you literally laugh out loud.”

The HISTORY

Ever since I was a little kid, I showed signs of having TS. One of the earliest things I did was make a noise that sounded like “EP,” but it actually came out like a hiccup. (Go ahead—try it! You’re probably reading this alone, but if not, you might get some interesting looks.) When I was young, my parents would say things like “Stop it” or “Cut it out,” or sometimes they’d just mimic the sounds I was making, hoping that would make me stop. Looking back, I have a lot of compassion for them—they were dealing with so much and didn’t really understand what was going on.

Most of my tics were vocal but I also had a blinking tic for most of my teenage years and a head jerk that prompted a few premature haircuts from my well-meaning grandparents. The most difficult tic was a very short phase (thank you Jesus) where I would put up both of my middle fingers. That lasted only a few months in high school and I kept my hands under my desk or covered by my shirt etc. Keep in mind, these are completely involuntary. Tics are usually worse in the teenage years and then tend to taper off as you age into adulthood. This is NOT always the case and unfortunately, for me, this did not happen.

One time, Kristin and I were counseling a young lady with Tourette’s. She had some pretty noticeable tics—one of which sounded exactly like a Twitter notification whistle. Every few minutes, she’d let out this sharp little whistle like her phone was sending her a message right there in the room. Now, here’s where it got tricky for me. As someone with TS, I had to fight really hard not to start mimicking her tics. But that whistle caught me totally off guard so many times I almost reached for my pocket to check for a notification that wasn’t even there! Kristin caught me once, trying not to laugh or “join in” on the whistle concert. We shared a look that basically said, “Yep, this is why people think Tourette’s is contagious.” Moments like that remind me Tourette’s isn’t just about the noises or movements — it’s also about the unexpected humor, the connections we make, and the grace to laugh with each other, not at each other.

The Repercussions

Before a tic happens, there’s usually this weird buildup called a pre-tic or a pre-monitory urge. It’s like a little itch or pressure inside me that won’t quit until I “let it out.” Imagine having a sneeze trapped in your nose — the only way to feel normal again is to finally sneeze. That’s kind of what it’s like for me with a tic. I have to release it to feel okay.

Sometimes, I get creative and redirect that urge into something less obvious — like snapping my fingers. Or get this: I actually make bird calls. Yep, real bird calls, like a whippoorwill or a loon. (I mean, seriously, how perfect is it that one of my “noises” sounds like a loon? Hah!) The funny thing is, those bird calls usually get a smile or a “cool!” from people instead of confused looks. So, I guess I’m a bit of a nature enthusiast without even trying. At the heart of it, tics are really an impulse control challenge. And if you know me at all, you won’t be surprised that my ADHD plays a big role in this. In fact, there’s a strong overlap — over half of kids with Tourette’s also have ADHD, while about 1 in 5 kids with ADHD have Tourette’s. So yeah, it’s kind of like my brain is running on turbo, juggling a couple of wild rides at once! 😌

There are several ways I currently deal with TS. One is teeth grinding. I can often be seen in pictures chewing on a straw, or a highlighter, or some other "thing." (Fun fact, I have been accused of being a smoker because a few times 2 or 3 inches of a white straw was protruding from my mouth and apparently looked like a cigarette.) Chewed pens can be seen littering my work areas. Although I do also use mouth guards, much of the damage has already been done since I have been grinding my teeth for many, many years.

The biggest area I struggle is one that is not seen. It can't be viewed or heard coming from my office but it definitely affects my mind. It's in the area of confidence. I am convinced that there are people that will probably never talk to me because they think I'm weird or quirky (although my wife and I are convinced that EVERYONE is quirky and weird in their own ways). This also goes the other way around. My confidence in talking to people who seem to "avoid me" whether intentional or not, causes me to shy away from what I feel like may be inevitable rejection. Teens deal with their OWN insecurities so I work very hard to try to bridge that gap despite "how I feel."

Can't You Just Make Yourself Stop Doing Them?

Great question! And by the way, you just sound like my 4th-grade teacher. 😝 Tic suppression is something I do a lot when I’m talking with people—but trust me, it comes with a cost. “What do you mean by that?” you ask? Imagine pinching a garden hose with the water turned on full blast. When you finally let go, all that pressure comes rushing out in a wild, violent splash. That’s exactly what tic suppression feels like—holding it in takes serious mental energy, and when you finally release, it’s intense.

Okay, you got the mental picture—that’s why tic suppression is so tricky and drains your brain. One trick I use to manage tics (and ADHD too) is keeping my mouth busy with snacks or coffee. The downside? It only works while I’m actually chewing or sipping... and sometimes eating a little too much has some unexpected “colorful” consequences. Like the time I polished off a whole bag of baby carrots during sermon prep—let’s just say I found out orange isn’t just a great snack color —let’s just say my bathroom visits got a little more colorful than usual!

Isn't THAT Interesting

Did you know that while I am preaching I don't tic at all? It's so very odd to me and to me it serves as proof of the calling that God has placed on my life as a youth pastor and maybe one day...more. Since God has called me to work with individuals that can some times be the most unforgiving and brutal in their judgment of what they feel is "normal"I need moments like that to give me confidence.

Also, while I am playing video games I am less likely to tic as well. This goes hand in hand with the ADHD instant feedback gratification cycle. The fact that there is instant feedback while gaming that is usually positive provides a way of focusing my energy into something MORE "productive."(See the quotes. I know video games are pointless and not very productive) I also get the same instant feedback from video editing/social media creation/playing guitar for leading worship). No tics...no problems.

2 Corinthians 9:8 says,

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

This verse is a powerful reminder of God’s abundant grace—not just in the big moments, but in every part of our lives, every day, and in every situation. For me, this promise has been a lifeline. When I’m preaching and my tics disappear, I see God’s grace at work, giving me exactly what I need in that moment to fulfill His calling. It’s not just about the absence of tics—it’s about God empowering me to serve confidently, even when I face judgment or misunderstanding from others.

This verse also reassures me that God’s grace is enough, no matter what challenges or limitations I have. He equips me with strength, patience, and courage so I can keep doing the good work He’s called me to do. Whether it’s guiding teens, creating worship music, or simply showing up every day, God’s grace is what fuels it all. So, whatever you’re facing—whether it’s a visible struggle like tics or something more hidden—remember this: God’s grace is more than enough. It abounds in you, and through you, so you can thrive in every good work He has for you.

Whatever you’re dealing with—whether it’s a struggle you can see, like tics or anxiety, or something nobody else knows about—God’s grace is enough for you. It fills you up when you feel empty, gives you courage when you feel scared, and equips you to do the good work God has for your life. You don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out. You just need to lean into God’s grace, and He will provide everything you need to thrive. So next time you feel overwhelmed or like you’re not enough, remember this verse. God’s grace abounds in you and through you. And He’s got a plan for your life that is way bigger than any struggle.

Now What?!

I am writing this to inform you, dear reader, so that you have an idea of "why" Pastor Mark makes those funny noises. "So, can I ask you questions in person?" Absolutely. Please forgive me if I appear awkward or "off-balance" for a moment. Talking about this is new to me. I have only recently (in the past couple of years) come to terms with having TS although it has been present for over 45+ years of my life. (Can you say....DENIAL? lolz) But talk I must if I desire for God to use EVERY PART of my story for His Honor and Glory. If I believe that "all things work together for the good of those who LOVE God and are called according to His purpose..." then I need to make sure that I am acting like it.

Thank you dear friends, for putting up with my noises (so very thankful for my wife and kids) and for loving me despite my quirks and in spite of them. This is another stop on my journey towards healing and towards finding purpose in my struggles and allowing God to bring healing through my doubts. God is bigger than our doubts, bigger than our fears or anxieties.

Quick myths vs facts can be eye-opening:

Myth: Tourette’s is just swearing.
Fact: Only a small percentage of people with TS have involuntary swearing (called coprolalia).
Myth: People with TS can control their tics if they try hard enough.

• • Fact: Tics are involuntary and suppressing them can be exhausting and painful.